The Mustachioed Man: A Movember Double Top 5

In honor of Movember, I've compiled a Double Top 5 about movie mustaches. The first Top 5 is a list of Lifetime Achievers, while the second list is the Top 5 one-shot awesomeness. Growing and grooming a mustache is a much more difficult pursuit than one would expect, so today we take time to bask in the glow of the 'staches. Many of these hairy heroes inspire jealousy in naturally smooth skinned males, but in today's study we salute the hirsute. 


Top 5 Lifetime Acheivers


Charlie Chaplin
Before Hitler completely ruined the Toothbrush Mustache, silent film star Charlie Chaplin totally rocked the look. Fortunately, he's still well known for inspiring generations of physical comedians.

Groucho Marx
Groucho has absolutely the most famous mustache of all time. He was know for his quick wit and cigar smoking. His look is called The Boxcar, and he wore it well. He said he intended to live forever, or die trying. He may have passed in 1977, but his mustache has proven to be immortal.

His Boxcar is so iconic that it eventually replaced the Masquerade Ball Mask as the go-to obvious disguise.

Sam Elliot
Sam Elliot is known to an entire three generations as That Cowboy with That Mustache. He has built an entire career behind that Handlebar, and has only made the mistake of shaving it off a few times. I would never start a fight with this man, simply for fear that he's hiding a hunting knife in there.

A. Wilford Brimley
It is rumored that A. Wilford Brimley primarily eats krill, using his Baleen Stache as a filter. Before he started doing commercials about Diabeetus, he was rumored to be the mythical beast from The Beatles' "I Am the Walrus."

Tom Selleck
Mr. Selleck was very nearly cast as Indiana Jones, but folk wisdom of the day had many convinced that Magnum's Paintbrush 'stache was invincible and could easily repel bullets and Nazi punches. So, he was passed over for the smooth-faced Harrison Ford (many sources erroneously cite a scheduling conflict). Later testing proved that only Chuck Norris' facial hair is up to the task of surviving nuclear blasts in a refrigerator.

Honorable Mention:
Yosemite Sam
Yosemite Sam is the angry cowboy predecessor of Sam Elliot. His mustache, simply known as the Red-Headed Stache Child, is know for being connected to his eyebrows and his temper.

Top 5 One-Shot 'Staches

Harry Shearer - This is Spinal Tap
Harry Shearer played the hilariously clueless Bass player Derek Smalls in the fictional band Spinal Tap. Not too many people can pull off the Fuzzy Horseshoe while trapped in an alien pod or dancing next to a comically small replica of Stonehenge, but he very nearly does.

Val Kilmer - Tombstone
Val Kilmer rocks as the sickly Doc Holliday in this film. One thing that isn't sickly is his Mexican Handlebar Mustache and Soul Patch pairing. It was very nearly beaten out by Kurt Russel's Mini-Walrus, but this mustache'll be your Huckleberry any day.

Billy Dee Williams - The Empire Strikes Back
Billie Dee Williams was Harrison Ford's brother from another galaxy. He may have lost the Millennium Falcon to Han Solo in a card game, but he probably looked smooth when he was handing over the keys.  It's hard to decide which is better: his cape or his Space Pirate 'stache.

Clark Gable - Gone With the Wind
Clark Gable may not be the originator of the Lip Caterpiller, but he certainly perfected it as Rhett Butler. And he makes it clear that with enough mustache, one can do without a reputation.

Samuel L Jackson - Pulp Fiction
He's a Bible-quoting assassin and all-around tough guy with a Jerry-curl 'fro and excellent facial hair. It's very hard to classify this mustache as it's a modified Horseshoe with Mutton-Chops. Let's call it the Lamb-Shoe's Vengeance. "Have you seen my wallet? It's the one that says One Bad Mustache Farmer."