Nightmare on Nostalgia Lane Part 4: The Horror of Childhood Favorites

Do you remember how awesome 1987's GI Joe: The Movie was? How about the wonderful writing in the Star Wars: Ewok Adventure movies? Wasn't TRON the most epic film from your childhood? Well, if you remember those things, then you were too young to realize just how truly awful they were. What is it about some movies that captured our young minds but then it seemed as though they later were replaced by poorly-made, Sweded versions*? Well, I'm sorry to say that most of us were idiots before the age of seven and anything you remember as sweet-awesome from before the first day of school and critical thinking began will most likely disappoint you. This condition is called Kidiot Syndrome (herein refered to as K.S.[not to be mistaken for Kansas]). Everyone has it for some period of time and most people lose it by the second grade. The first time I ever labeled anything as stupid and childish was at the age of 8 when I happened upon the brand-new show Barney. Some people never lose K.S., and we should take a moment to remember them in our thoughts.

One movie that severely disappointed me as an adult was Spaceballs! This is a movie that I remembered being an absolute laugh riot. However, I was only remembering the funny parts. This is a movie that starts off very strong. They have a great cast and a great group of gags in the first half hour. Then, the movie languishes in the un-funny zone for about 45 minutes before a moderately funny ending (the fortune cookie chest-burster was inspired). For some reason, my 14-year-old self thought that Batman & Robin was actually a good movie. Boy Wonder, Batman, was I wrong! This movie is such a mess and Arnold Schwarzenegger's terrible one-liners are not even the worst part of it. Why did Batman & Robin have a different suit just for ice-skating? Because more suits mean more toys to sell, that's why**. Just to show that I am not strictly criticizing 80s and 90s classics: Many of the 3 year olds that LOVED Jar Jar Binks and the Star Wars prequel trilogy are growing up now, realizing the error of their ways, and becoming Original Trilogy purists. This, of course, means that there is yet hope for the human race.

There are very few enduring Christmas classics compared to the number of Holiday films that have been made over the years. Most of them are just inoffensive and pass the time. However, Babes in Toyland is so bad that every copy should be smashed with a hammer and burned. Oddly, I remember really enjoying this movie when it was aired in school one year before Christmas break began. It must have been a combination of too many sugar cookies and the boredom of being in school on the last day before break. I tried to watch this last year and it's one of those movies that truly deserves the label "What is this? I don't even..." and I have concluded that this film was produced by adults suffering from K.S.

K.S. equally affected our favorite TV Shows. I can remember Zack Morris was the coolest guy on Saved By the Bell. However, looking back I realize that I wouldn't want to be friends with him. He was completely unreliable as a friend and would have landed us all in detention daily. Also, I'm sorry to say this, but Screech would not be friends with the cool kids. I know what it's like to be a geek. His only hope of having friends would either be Marching Band or Drama Club. MacGuyver was the best show of all time! However, the first couple of seasons relied too much on narration from Richard Dean Anderson telling you exactly what he was doing as though we were too dumb to figure it out (luckily, they put a stop to that after a couple of seasons). Also, the show often re-used footage from old movies to fill in where they didn't have an effects or stunts budget. For instance: the episode where MacGuyver gets a family of Gypsies out of Hungary and into Austria by getting them all into three Mini Coopers (one Red, one White, one Blue) and having an insane chase through city streets and canals and... Wait a minute! Wasn't that the original Italian Job? Why, yes! Yes, it was! The show is still good, but it's amazing what a difference a few decades and watching hundreds of films and thousands of episodes of television can make.

And now, a for a completely different category: the films you only saw in their edited-for-TV versions. This is a good time for a sidebar: PG ratings are not a reliable indicator of content before 1984***. Imagine the horror of finding out that the 1980 version of Clash of the Titans has one scene of blatant nudity in it when watching it with your In-Laws at your recommendation! The unedited movie was otherwise identical to its edited counterpart. Or maybe you were shocked that the family friendly fun of Police Academy wasn't so friendly with all of its original content. The popularity of Police Academy as a family friendly film even led them to do several sequels that were rated PG. There are several movies that I remember really liking that had raunchy humor that I completely missed as a child. Short Circuit and The Goonies are probably the best examples of this. To clarify, the movies mentioned in this paragraph are still good, but I wouldn't recommend them to those with small children that repeat phrases like profanity-proclaiming parakeets who seem to latch onto the exact things we wish they hadn't heard. Also, I definitely wouldn't recommend Police Academy or Clash of the Titans unless you happen to have the edited for TV version on an old VHS tape somewhere.

Many of you no doubt have multiple examples of this, also. Feel free to add your list in the comments. As a last note: I know that some people don't like to admit that they ever suffered from Kidiot Syndrome. They like to comfort themselves by calling the phenomenon of being stupid as a child "wearing rose-colored glasses." When someone says this, remind them that they didn't even wear glasses until the 5th grade.

FIN


* From the movie Be Kind, Rewind starring Jack Black and Mos Def. They accidentally erased all of the VHS tapes in the video rental store and decided to remake them with what materials they had available.

** I realized recently that Batman & Robin is actually good in the so-bad-it's-good way IF you think of it as an extension of the cheese-tastic 1960s TV series with a bigger budget.

*** 1984 saw the release of three PG films that led the MPAA to create the PG-13 Rating for their home video release and for future releases that didn't fit in PG or R: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Sixteen Candles, and Gremlins. A special note here: Kidiot Syndrome does not affect the perception of films that were drastically altered before your first viewing.